i feel like a total loser.
screwed up english summative today.
my mind was blank but filled. oxymoron. heh.
blank because i didnt know what to write. i didnt know where to start. i just didnt know anything.
filled because so many things were on my mind.
things that i just cant seem to handle though i know i can but im doing everything wrongly.
i wrote one side of the foolscap, tore it away and started writing again.
and this kept going on and on.
in the end i was left with 20 minutes.
tell me how do you write an essay within 20 minutes with a blank mind.
impossible.
my language totally sucked.
i wrote one side and a few lines.
i did not have a plot.
i did not conclude my story.
im not surprised if joyceyap gives me a straight zero for the essay.
seriously. it's not the "i think im going to fail" in the modest way.
i will be really surprised if i manage to break out of the zero.
first time im flunking a test in 7 years.
how nice.
and 15% of the total.
isnt that even better.
im screwing up my whole sec2 academic stuff.
but who cares. i gotta buck up but that isnt the most important.
when she said stop writing i buried my head in my pullover.
worse than tearing. but not crying.
sorry if you were around me trying to comfort me and i didnt look up or say anything. thanks anyway. (:
i wasnt crying my heart out or anything.
it wasnt so bad.
i kept my head down because i did not want anyone to see a single drop of tear.
i felt really disgusted. at myself.
so loserish.
total loser.
i dont think i cried because of the english summative.
no i dont cry for something as minor as that. i never cry for something as minor as that.
it was just everything added up together and that english thing was an additional burden/stress/load whatever you want to call it.
and mainly because it was then did i realise that my mind was fully occupied.
and everything started to flood back.
realised that i was merely deceiving myself yesterday and i was not feeling better.
and deceiving myself is something i rarely do.
and because of that i realised the intensity of it all.
and so yeah.
recovered pretty quickly and went down for recess later.
and the key to recovering quickly? numb your feelings.
went to the gb room after school. hannah elissa yunxi.
hannah left for 3rd lang later.
followed my yunxi.
then elissa.
slept woke up and prayed.
could feel some strength coming back to me.
but it's still not enough.
played the guitar felt a little better.
but it's still not enough.
attempted to be happier and succeeded somewhat.
but it's still not enough.
everything's not enough.
there's still a long way more.
met cheriel in school. met sher at cityhall.
went to vch.
cadenza x was great. really great.
it helped me to well pretty much forget everything.
and chloe and dee looked cute in their uniform!
hoho.
GREAT JOB CHLOE AND DEE!
and sorry i didnt get you flowers.
wanted to get you them during the interlude.
but that person at the door shooed me in. pfft.
and sher stroked a stray cat. eek.
and i thought the cat was legless. oh well.
i dont like cats.
i dont like cats.
i dont like cats.
read the first chapter of this book by terry brooks.
She sat alone in her chambers, draped in twilight’s shadows and evening’s solitude, her thoughts darker than the night descending and heavier than the weight of all Paranor. She retired early these days, ostensibly to work but mostly to think, to ponder on the disappointment of today’s failures and the bleakness of tomorrow’s prospects. [...]
She was no longer a girl, no longer even young, though she retained her youthful looks, her pale translucent skin still unblemished and unlined, her startling blue eyes clear, and her movements steady and certain. When she looked in the mirror, which she did infrequently now as then, she saw the girl she had been twenty years earlier, as if ageing had been miraculously stayed. But while her body stayed young, her spirit grew old. Responsibility aged her more quickly than time. [...]
Her gaze drifted to the windows of her chamber, looking west to where the sun was already gone behind the horizon, and the light it cast skyward in the wake of its descent a dim glow beginning to fail. She thought her own start was setting, as well, its light fading, it’s time passing, its chances slipping away. She would change that if she could, but she no longer believed she knew the way.
sounds pretty much like me now.
what is the problem with me.
just ignore me.
